...a reimagined space...

The Beginning or the End or (an) End or a (new) Beginning?

2009-12-31T11:01:00.000-08:00

Martha & Hillary's 2009 Reflection...

In January 2010, we are crafting the last of our monthly writing contributions - LAST, but not final. I (Hillary), say not final, because Martha and I may choose to write and post on random dates or at unplanned times throughout 2010. The transition from a monthly writing process to something less structured is partially because we enter the 2010 New Year with plans that have morphed as we have changed. We are different women because of our work and relationship. We remember the original moment ~ 14 months ago over a chai latte ~ when we commited to writing and working together into an unforeseen future - a moment that continues to propel us into surprising conversation and new spaces.

Practically, the morphed plans means we are not currently taking appointments together in a therapeutic context, but we are continuing to read, write, and gather with women of "like mind and heart." We are available for private consulations in our area of passion, joint-work, and training; specifically focusing on our work with mothers, daughters, and women. The last year(+) of our wondering and work has continued to remind us of the significant value of women living life two-by-two, side-by-side, not alone.

**To be seen by one woman is a gift. To be known deeply by several women is a treasure. To be loved by women who have loved themselves well is rare & priceless.**

You will see our reflective, January 2010 entry soon! Thanks to all who read our writing. We are greatful. We have both grown tremendously through the process.

Half the Sky: Turning Oppression Into Opportunity for Women Worldwide

2009-11-29T19:13:00.000-08:00

Written by Hillary Augustine Vandenbos
...a reflection...

The Book: Half the Sky…My three-part processing: Individually, with the masses, and with a few.

My Reflection: It is days, quickly becoming weeks, after a women’s luncheon I hosted in my office suite, located in downtown Seattle. The conference room white board has not been erased. Words and phrases resonate from its surface, producing a post-event essence: hope, currency, economics, discouraging, and history worth repeating, all written in various colors with unique penwomanship. I reflect upon the crafting of this luncheon, how it came together, and why? Questions circle around and through me. Why did this book feel so pressing? Why does the oppression of women lead me to tears and anger?

Individually: Oprah highlighted the contents of this book and interviewed the authors at the beginning of October. I sat mesmerized by images of women worldwide. Streams of tears came at various speeds down my cheeks as Oprah highlighted the oppression of women. In “Oprah-style,” the show was artistically and emotionally crafted by focusing on a few women’s stories, while simultaneously hearing the contents of the book through the lenses and voices of the co-authors and winners of the pulitzer prize, Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn. Tears streamed down my face as I felt the abhorrent abuse directed at women. I grieved not only for the plight of women worldwide, their bodies consistently being objects of harm and violence, but also for my own life, my own harm, and my own silence.

Although my harm seems more subtle and indirect, it is harm nonetheless. My silence has occurred in the context of the faith-tradition by men who possess pulpits, but do not invite dialogue and by women who have stood silent because of their own “stuckness” and fear. Although I intentionally keep the details abstract and reserved for face-to-face conversation, I know connecting to my own sense of struggle as a woman has moved me to fight against injustices on behalf of other women. Experiencing deep injustice, breeded by power gone awry, has opened my eyes and heart to injustices everywhere. I feel a sense of connection with women who may reside on the other side of the planet because my internal planet, my soul, has grieved. I feel somewhat connected by tears, perhaps? I don’t always have words that feel fitting, but generally, I have tears. A powerful multicultural language when words feel far away, useless, and inaccessible.

With the masses: Post-Oprah, October airing, I received an email from a local Seattle non-profit, informing me that Nicholas Kristof, would be in Seattle for a book and luncheon discussion. I immediately registered, hoping that this might be another place my tears could continue. I knew there was more “something” inside of me. Whether tears, screams, or questions this would be another place to “prime” my inner, soul pump. Somehow, I felt that my “grief in action” process on behalf of women worldwide was just beginning. The downtown Seattle luncheon was packed…making Nicholas and the other presenters look small from the back of the large room. 300ish men and women were invited to enter into the contents and experiences of this book while eating a delicious luncheon at the Women’s University Club; an early century building with craftsman style décor, exuding history from every laff and plaster crack. It was beautiful, it was inspiring, and I was not done moving.

With a few: After hearing Nicholas speak, I emailed three women who were on the top of my mind. I scheduled a panel, luncheon discussion at my office for a maximum of 20 women. I am now in a reflective space as I think back on the luncheon. It is thanksgiving week. I am thankful for women who care, women who think, and women who fight.

Half the Sky is a book which provides a space to wonder and a call to action. The women panelists discussed their own lives, where the book invited them to wonder, and how they felt moved to action. I enjoyed their enthusiasm and their curiosity. And, throughout the luncheon, I became more aware of myself. I am more able to answer who I am in this season of my womanhood. I invite, I gather, and I process both individually, with the masses (300ish), and with a few (20ish). I need many different spaces, many different experiences, and lots of external conversations for injustices to sink into my soul, to simmer in the warm abyss of my body, so that when it’s time to act, I will emerge from an integrated place. Sounds like a birth process for me.

**Where has injustice to your life or silence of your voice caused you to be more sensitive to the plight of others?**

I shout out for another opportunity: Nicholas Kristof is coming – AGAIN - to the Seattle Area. He is speaking at Overlake School in Redmond, WA. Address: 20301 NE 108th St. on Monday, December 7 at 7:30 pm. $10 suggested donation at the door. Learn more at overlake.org.

The Color of the Cape She Wears is Red.

2009-10-31T09:27:00.001-07:00

crafted and seen by Martha Hopler

The Movie: Chocolat. If you have not watched the movie since the posting of our last month’s blog, I invite you to watch it sometime this month. I suggest you take the time to watch it and hear your own voice, your own desires, and your own fears in a way that this movie seems to allow, that few others do. For now I invite you to read what I experienced of my own voice in relationship to the voices heard in Chocolat.

I have some questions that are on my mind as I watch Vianne and her daughter, Anouk, enter the town in their bright red capes. What brings them to this town at all, let alone in red capes? What do they want? Vianne’s reason for coming into town becomes apparent quickly as one watches the movie. She is there to create her space where she can sell or give chocolate to those who visit her chocolaterie.

It takes longer to know what the daughter wants when she arrives into town. It is not until the crisis has occurred and they are about to leave that Anouk puts words to her desire to stay. I cannot help but wonder if Anouk came into every town with the hope that this would be the last town, the end of their moving.

I feel my own ambivalence as I watch the movie. The question that I often ask is; Should they go or should they stay? My inner dialogue goes something like this. "When things are going well, you should stay and make a home for you and your daughter. Open a shop to make chocolate for the people. Vianne, you can offer freedom and grace, too, as you offer the village people what you believe is their favorite chocolate."

Vianne does stay for some time and does what she came to do. In staying she invites many of the village people to hope again. She invites and creates celebration for the old woman who wants to celebrate her life. Vianne’s hard work pays off and the birthday party for the old woman goes off with much beauty and grace. It does seem that when we choose to stay and continue to invite those who may not even be sure why they are invited that it creates a sense of community. The community essence is beautiful even when it is not complete, as the old woman’s daughter does not attend the celebration.

Yet it is this creation of community and inviting that begins what could be the end of the story and of all the happiness Vianne has ever known. As the fire roars through the boats, Vianne is sure that Anouk is dead and then life would really be over.

The ambivalence begins and I am aware of my voice. "Go!! Take what you can and go. No one deserves this much pain and fear of loss. Yes, Vianne, gooooooooo now!! It is ok. You have proved your point. You have done what you have come to do. The town’s people can do the rest on their own. They have missed the point of celebration. Let them create their own Easter celebration. You deserve to go. The Old women you brought life and celebration to is dead…………go. Put on your red cape, pack your bags, and take your daughter to a new place of safety to start again. No amount of good that you have to offer is worth this much loss."

But the voice of Anouk interrupts my own thoughts as she begs her mother to stay. It is this voice, the voice of her daughter that creates the need for Vianne to stop and make her daughter do what she believes to be right. Vianne insists that the time to leave has come and there is no choice. No amount of reasoning will change Vianne's mind.

My ambivalence continues as I hear the words of the daughter begging her mother to stay and longing for them to make it work. I wonder…what will it take for them to stay and celebrate life again?
**To stay or to go is often a question that we cannot answer without the process of life. It is often the process itself that answers the question.**

2009-09-30T14:29:00.000-07:00

Movie:Chocolat (2000)Written and woven together by: Martha Hopler and Hillary Augustine Vandenbos

The north wind blew Vianne (played by Juliette Binoche) and her daughter, Anouk (played by Victoire Thivisol) into a little French village which prided itself on tranquilité (tranquility). The village adopted a disposition free from stress or emotion where societal equilibrium was maintained by villagers knowing their place in the scheme of things. “If you happened to [forget what was expected of you,] someone would remind you. In this village if you saw something you weren’t supposed to see, you learned to look the other way.” (memorable quotes: pulled from imdb website)

Vianne and her daughter blew into the village during the winter with much stress and emotion as symbolized early on by Anouk’s imaginary, limping kangaroo Pantoufle. The trio arrived – mother, daughter, and kangaroo - on a blustery day “limping” with life baggage and sparked with inward passion, captured in their red-hooded parkas that draped their cold bodies.

Is it not the realm of the imaginary and the north winds of life change that leaves us wondering if we can go on to the next place?

At the beginning of the movie, Vianne arrives as a single woman and mother, whole, beautiful, limping, and passionate to offer her trade. She opens a chocolaterie, La Chocolaterie Maya, during lent and begins to draw out the hidden desires and suppressed emotions of the village people. Vianne’s trade is a curious combination of making and selling chocolates mixed with an intentional stance toward life. She has an eye and ear bent toward each patron’s inherent desire for flavor and passion. Like many people, Vianne’s chocolatorie is the outward processing of her inward, back story. Her mother, a Mayan woman, offered chocolate to others to help cure people’s neurosis and phobias. Her father met her mother as a traveling pharmacist searching for ancient formulas from the Mayan Indians which unlocked his hidden yearnings.

Vianne’s past and current existence and her life service are intricately woven together.

I [Hillary] love this story. I love this movie because a woman’s life and presence ripple through a small village of people as she “takes up space” with her chocolatarie and lives her life. As Vianne “claims some space territory” in the little village offering her trade and herself, transformation occurs. Vianne provides a taste of life through rich, creamy chocolates mixed with a compassionate stance towards people.

As a woman, YOU send off a ripple effect just by living. Do you notice the power of your presence? Where?

Watch Chocolate with an eye toward noticing the ripple effect that occurs through the life of Vianne, Anouk, and Pontoufle…the transformation starts with a mother, a daughter, two red-hooded parkas, an imaginary-limping kangaroo, and a lot of chocolate!

Bon Appetit’ to you –
Your life matters individually and in the context of community!

2009-08-29T10:05:00.001-07:00

The movie: Mona Lisa Smile (2003)
Crafted by Hillary Augustine Vandenbos

1953 Commencement Ceremony – Wellesley College
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President (Question): Who knocks at the door of learning?

Student (Answer): I am every women.

President (Question): What do you seek?

Student (Answer): To awaken my spirit through hard work and to dedicate my life to knowledge.

Declaration: Then you are welcome. All women who seek to follow you can enter here. I now declare the academic year begun!
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When I re-read and transcribed the dialogue above, pulled from the beginning of the movie Mona Lisa Smile, I thought of two influential women in my life.

One woman is young in years, wise beyond her age, and ever growing in her knowledge and curiosity. Her name is Kimberly George and she just recently packed up her life in Seattle to venture toward the east coast to be a merit scholar at Yale Divinity School. Her research focuses on integrating Christian theology and women’s gender, and sexuality studies. Check out her blog! You will find many profound wonderings and thought-provoking reading for days to come!

The other woman has years of life experience, lived through the sixties, tells great stories, is a mom of grown children, and a scientist. Dr. J continually welcomes a full life. She has kept history alive by giving me books – like A Century of Women which sits on my coffee table, serving as a daily reminder of the memoirs and accounts of women across time. I am drawn to Dr. J’s honesty. Her retellings of life circumstances are filled with intrigue and passion as she talks about what it has been like for women – especially women in science – to be seen, heard, and respected in their field of study. Dr. J has shown me that whatever stage of life women find themselves in, a common ground exists, which is: the acts of learning, growing, and choosing do not cease until breath stops flowing. Dr. J. is a fighter, an advocate, and a teacher to many. She, like Kimberly, just recently moved to another area of the country. I will miss her, immensely!

Both women “knock at the door of learning.” Both women intrigue me with their guts, their desire to learn, and their passion. They challenge woman like me to continue to learn, to choose, to “awaken [my] spirit through hard work and dedication.”

Do you have women who help you see around the corner, over the horizon, and into different spheres of life?

Kathryn Watson (played by Julia Roberts) in the movie Mona Lisa Smile is an art professor who wants to make a difference. She realizes, early on in the movie, that her students, Wellesley College women, have text-book smarts mixed with an inability to learn outside of a syllabus. Hence, these college women have no inner strength to think beyond roles, societal upper-class standards, and principles set by a governing body. To catalyze thought and to break apart the stringent social norms, Kathryn Watson introduces her students to modern art. One of the off-campus field trips takes place at a Boston warehouse. Kathryn invites the college women to gaze at a new Jackson Pollock canvas. She tells them, “You don’t have to like it, but you must consider it.” Did you hear that echo somewhere in your body…consider it...consider the art before you…it may break open the status quo in your life.

Who draws you to consider life? To consider art?

Kathryn Watson challenges her students to think beyond the cultural norm. Kimberly George’s writings help me think beyond social norms into possibilities and “re-remembered” stories that shift my thinking enough to change an axis somewhere in my body. Dr. J helps me recognize the vibrancy of life in multiple situations. There are “no boxes” with Dr. J, so I feel free to re-imagine and dream about opportunities I might not consider if left to my own devices.

As September rolls on in, consider watching Mona Lisa Smile, a movie superbly crafted for an autumn movie night. Autumn – a season of life when school sessions commence across America. In some subtle way, the seasonal shift, with new school clothes and shoes, untarnished crayons, and the reappearance of many yellow buses causes me to pause and wonder. I breath deeper (when stuck behind a yellow bus in traffic!) and reconsider those who have shifted my thinking along the way, whether friend, teacher, mentor, or parent.

So, when you feel the first chill in the air and notice a big leaf pasted to the wet ground, think about the women who helped you consider art, life outside of boxes, and catalyzed you toward "axis shifting" moments. Gather with some women and watch Mona Lisa Smile!

2009-07-31T16:33:00.000-07:00

Written by Martha Hopler

…wonder and discovery continue…look at my initial 'matryoshka writings' in the February post. Read my writings as an unfolding process - February’s blogpost folds into July’s…

Discovering the celebration of the mother-daughter relationship by looking at the matryoshka dolls, continues to be a source of my wonder. These dolls carry history, have a nesting ability (at times they are called nesting dolls) and each are uniquely decorated to tell a story.

I am fascinated by what it means to explore the invitation to celebrate a relationship that is both difficult and complex. The history of the matryoshka doll was originally painted and copied from Japanese dolls. The idea that the doll itself was taken from another culture, suggests that there is meaning in the history of its creation; one culture copies from another in creating its own story.

These dolls have become a symbol of the work Hillary and I do in the therapeutic setting. The goal of this work we are embarking upon is not only to explore relationship issues, but also to create a space that invites the celebration of the complexity of the mother-daughter relationship. The nesting dolls symbolize this complex, interconnected space, felt in the action of taking the dolls apart and also putting them back together. As women, are we not like this at times? We look like one “I am” – standing alone. But when we open up our stories and our lives, one discovers what is within - whether it is our mother and her relationship to a daughter, or sisters to sisters, or a friend to a friend. The “within-ness” begins the conversation where we are speaking of relationships and those who we know and want to be known by. The opening up can be a difficult process that initially takes time.

The beauty and the story of the dolls are hidden until someone takes the time to open and discover all seven or so dolls. When they are all lined up one can see from tallest to smallest a story that someone took time to paint on each and every doll.

The question becomes, as women, can I really know me and who I am if I have not taken the time to look at the long line of other women who are in my story? As women we all stand on our own while being interconnected.

2009-06-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

Movie: Juno (2007)
Juno Blog Entry #2

Hillary’s words and reflections…

Movie Quote: “Vanessa, if you’re still in, I’m in – Juno.”

These words are shown at the end of the movie, doodled on a Jiffy Lube receipt by Juno and placed on the adoptive mother's doorstep. Juno pens this sentence after realizing that Vanessa and her husband, Mark, might not stay together. The “perfect” couple chosen by Juno in the Penny Saver, is no longer perfect-appearing. Juno is faced with what she will do in the midst of her new reality. She chooses to join with Vanessa. Meaning, Juno’s words and actions – whether or not they represent the “right” decision – show a willingness to move toward Vanessa even though the marital picture is crumbling. So motherhood arrives in the midst of changing plans, a shifty marriage, and chaos. The unplanned pregnancy begins with a single, teenage mom and ends with a single, adult mom.

So, it seems that Juno is a movie about living in the midst of the unplanned, unfolding realities of life. In the end motherhood impacts every person in the movie. And, if the movie could continue the same mysterious mixture of joy and sorrow would keep inter-weaving itself through out Juno and Vanessa's life.

Martha’s words and reflections…
Hope lost, hope found, love lost, love found, and love kept. These are the string of thoughts I have at that end of the movie. In my mind, I want to simplify the process by saying, “Yes problem solved.” Because a teen mother (Juno) is no longer a mother, she is free to go back to her life. And Vanessa, although she is a single-adoptive mother, still gets what she wants. The part of me that likes life to be black and white says, “Yes this is how it should be.” Mistake made. There is nothing lost and nothing gained.

But wait a minute, when one sits with the end of the movie, one is invited to look closer at all the choices given and made. In these choices love and hope are found. However, love and hope are not found because everyone followed the rules or was able to “fix the problem."

Juno chooses to change the course of history by loving herself as she sticks to what she wants. Juno joins with Vanessa who longs and desires to care for a baby by continuing with the adoptive plan. Juno does not make Vanessa suffer the consequences of her husband's bad choices.

Vanessa is focused, whether rightly or wrongly, on becoming a mother. It is Juno who has the ability to invite her into the space of motherhood and she does.

The point is love wins. But, love wins in a way that veers from the original plan. Plans change and love is still found in the midst of the complex moments of human existence.

**Enjoy the movie Juno! The ending is full of rich discussion for women (& families) of all ages and stages of life: girl, teenager, mother, and daughter.**

2009-05-31T11:25:00.001-07:00

Movie: Juno (2007)

Watched together and crafted by Martha Hopler & Hillary Augustine Vandenbos

Hillary’s words and reflections…

Juno is a movie about what? I struggle to know where to begin.

It’s about a chair. It’s about two teenagers having sex in a chair. Juno is about a teenage girl, named Juno (played by Ellen Page) and a teenage boy named Paulie Bleeker (played by Michael Cera) who are trying to figure out connection, life, and love. The movie starts with a lazy boy chair and ends with a rocking chair. The changing imagery from the beginning to the end of the movie is profound and can be interpreted in a variety of ways.

It is difficult to describe the movie from one vantage point. There are many scenes packed with meaning and feeling. This movie is brilliant because it sprinkles the complexities of life with humor and wit. For example, the heaviness of a teenage girl observing and shaking the pink, plus sign on a pregnancy test while standing in the check-out area of a neighborhood, convenient store is juxtaposed with the cashier’s comment, “That ain’t no etch-a-sketch. That’s one doodle that can’t be undid.” A hilarious, quick-witted comment that acknowledges Juno’s desperation to “erase” the positive, pink sign while inviting me, the audience, into the hard reality of teenage pregnancy.

Maybe I have difficulty describing the movie because it’s hard to enter into a teenage girl’s life. To attach to the story of Juno, means that I have to live into the reality that life is complex, ever changing, and packed with conflicting feelings. Life includes teenage girls making decisions about abortion, wondering about adoption, seeking adoptive parents in a local newspaper called the Penny Saver, being sexually active, dealing with teenage pregnancy, and growing up faster than expected.

But wait, if I enter from a different perspective, the movie is also about an affluent couple who longs for a baby. It is about a couple who has suffered because an adoption “didn’t work out” echoing the words of the adoptive mom, Vanessa (played by Jennifer Garner). It is about a man, Mark (played by Jason Bateman) who is confused about life and marriage. So, maybe I have difficulty describing the movie because it’s hard to enter into the reality that life includes lonely marriages, husband’s who want “out,” and women who long to have children, but can’t for whatever reason. So, Juno is also about the reality that troubled marriages reside in immaculate houses with well-landscaped yards. The outward appearance looks good, but the inward reality is extremely difficult. Yes, life is complex, ever changing, and packed with conflicted feelings.

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Martha’s words, reflections, questions, and wonderings…

Juno is a movie about a young women becoming a mother too soon.

- Too soon or just not planned?

- Or is the movie about a young girl and her boyfriend doing something that seems fun because they had nothing else to do that day?

- Then, there is the question of whether the movie is about adoption or a desire to have a child. Is the desire to have a child a good thing for the affluent couple, Vanessa and Mark, because they are married and have “fine home furnishings?”

- Is it the right timing for Vanessa and Mark to have a child? However, the right timing is called into question when one realizes that the husband, Mark, really wants to stay a teenager. So, growing up becomes a theme; growing up too soon or too late.

As one watches this movie, one realizes that it has multiple themes. The movie leads to many questions about motherhood and what it means to be a woman. It also highlights the reality of parents who are realizing just how little control they have over the growing up process of their daughter.

The questions you find yourself asking may be connected to where you find yourself in your own story. The parts of the movie where you see yourself crying could be where you are grieving things you’ve lost or maybe where you experience angry pain that has not made you sad yet. If you want to leave the room or turn the movie off, this could reveal shameful places in your life you would rather not talk about?

I enjoy movies when they speak to me in a way that allows me to listen and feel. If you have watched Juno, I encourage you to watch it again and listen to your body, heart, and mind. Wonder how you are connecting to yourself which will then provide the opportunity for you to connect to those you love.

Mother's Therapy Group

2009-04-15T06:35:00.000-07:00

Beginning Saturday,
May 16 2009

Martha Hopler, MSW, MSN
Hillary Augustine Vandenbos, MA, MAC,
co-therapists

May 16 - June 18
(10 weeks)
10:00 a.m.—11:30 a.m.

Lake Union Counseling

(Directions below)

$320 for 10 weeks

Click here to register:
reimaginedspace@gmail.com

Exploring the intersections and intervals
between a woman and a girl or two woman…

To schedule a counseling appointment or inquire about a group,
call 206.817.4913 or email reimaginedspace@gmail.com

FAQs: Frequently Asked Questions

· Who are your clientele?
Mothers & daughters, & women who come two-by-two
(teenage to adult)

· Is there an age range for the mother’s therapy group?
There is not a specific age range.

We believe cross-generational conversation is needed & helpful.

Also, the title, “mother,” is open to each women’s interpretation.

Biological children are one element of mothering,

but does not include all women’s “mothering experience.”

· Would you see a women individually?
Yes, we are co-therapists so we work together –

whether an individual or duo is the client .

Directions to Lake Union Counseling
534 Westlake Ave North, Suite 240
Seattle, WA 98109

From I-5 North or South:
· Take the Mercer Street exit (#167)
· Merge into the middle lane to turn left at the light onto Fairview
· Turn left on Fairview and stay in far right lane
· Turn right on Republican
· Go three blocks, turn right on Westlake
· The building is 534 Westlake Ave
(corner of Westlake and Mercer—
brown, multilevel professional building)
· Take the elevator to the 2nd floor, Suite 240.
Please wait in the waiting room.
· One-hour free parking is available on Republican & Westlake

2009-03-31T20:17:00.000-07:00

Iron Jawed Angels (2004)

written by Hillary Augustine Vandenbos (crafted with Martha Hopler)

Our March entry is meant to highlight and acknowledge Women's History Month. On this last day of March 2009, may you reflect upon this month by watching Iron Jawed Angels. We believe this movie should be seen by all men and women, serving as a tactile reminder that the 1920 amendment to the constitution lawfully shifted women from a place of chattel to active participants in American society. Since 1920, American women have been fighting on many fronts to be viewed as equal citizens under the law. This movie resurrects the stories of women who lived less than 100 years ago; women who did not have full citizenship.

As women, we stand on each others shoulders when we actively participate in contemporary society. History reminds us that our work, our voice, and our position in culture is always linked back through time to women and men who fought on our behalf. May you not forget the suffrage women who risked their lives, facing abuse so that we could live with a bit more freedom. Watch this movie! It is an amazing tribute to the tenacity, strength, bravery, and inner courage of our foremothers.

"The purpose of Women's History Month is to increase consciousness and knowledge of women's history: to take one month of the year to remember the contributions of notable and ordinary women, in hopes that the day will soon come when it's impossible to teach or learn history without remembering these contributions." (quote from: http://womenshistory.about.com/od/womenshistorymonth/a/whm_history.htm)

2009-02-28T17:13:00.000-08:00

Written by Martha Hopler (crafted with Hillary Augustine Vandenbos)

“The matryoshka doll made me want to discover and celebrate my mother-daughter story. “

Quote from Sue Monk Kidd’s book, The Dance of The Dissident Daughter

This statement stopped me when I first read Kidd’s book. I had to remember what matryoshka dolls looked like: they are dolls carved in the shape of a woman that stack inside each other and often have a family story painted on them. What I did not know was that matryoshka is the Russian word for mother. I was surprised that something created in a family context in another culture might help me to have a more clear picture of what it means to celebrate my story as a woman and as a daughter. I found myself wanting to run out and buy one of these dolls to see if there was something magical about the doll itself that would lead to a celebration of my mother-daughter story. But as I explored this thought further, I realized that for me the key phrase in Sue Monk Kidd’s statement is “to discover,” a curious uncovering of some sort. One woman into another, this reminds us that we are not alone.

I pondered Kidd's statement for a few moments longer; it caught me in a way that creates a desire to explore more. I am not often invited to discover or celebrate what it means to be a woman. I do want to be a woman who celebrates and enjoys being a daughter and a woman, but how I get there is often very unclear to me. For the moment, I go to the doll I now have in my possession. The matryoshka doll in my care was given to Hillary by her brother-in-law who worked and lived in Russia. The doll is beautiful. I enjoy taking it apart and putting it back together. But how does this further my desire to discover and celebrate my relationships to other women?

Reflecting back, as Hillary and I talked about where the doll came from, I realized that our conversation moved quite quickly from the doll itself into a conversation of discovery. How does one celebrate mothers and daughters in a culture that historically has not? What does it mean for a woman to allow the needed space for this to occur?

The hollowness of each doll reminds me that for us to join together as women we must have space in our lives to do so. And here is it is again – discovery - the physical way the doll is created has helped me stumble upon a truth. Maybe space is needed for the unclear entry or starting point in the mother-daughter conversation to become clear?

A conversation has begun as Hillary speaks of the doll’s significance for each of us and as I handle the doll’s many stackable pieces. Our relationships with other women, starting with the mother-daughter relationship, are going to begin in ways that might not have started yet. There needs to be places of discovery where the conversation regarding mother-daughter relationships is happening so that the importance of feminine relationships is recognized.

**Where is that place for you?**

2009-01-31T09:01:00.000-08:00

Movie: Girls Just Want to Have Fun (1985)
Written by Hillary Augustine Vandenbos (crafted with Martha Hopler)

I (Hillary) have watched this movie about 10 times over the last 10 years. I love to watch movies about dancing, especially movies that play off an MTV-theme where video, dance, music, and rhythm are combined for entertaining midday viewing (perfect timing for after school vegging out). Dancing does something to my soul—unfolding areas of me that conversation rarely taps.

It was fun for us (Martha and Hillary) to watch this movie together. Martha quickly and keenly pointed out that this movie represents a pre-American Idol era. Many years before the saucy Simon, charming Paula, and jovial Randy graced the stage of modern-day Hollywood, this movie captures competition, judging, and hope that “greatness” can come to teenage girls. Janey, played by Sarah Jessica Parker and Lynne, played by Helen Hunt, desperately wish to “break out” of their strict Catholic School tradition to dance in Chicago on Dance TV. The movie’s lightness and fun is helped by trickles of Cyndi Lauper’s 1983 song, “Girl’s Just Want to Have Fun” (written & originally recorded by Robert Hazard in 1979).

As we reflected on this movie, it became evident, yet again, that the mother’s voice (like many of the 80’s type-movies) is silent and her physical presence is missing in action. There is a mothering void which reverberated inside of our souls in the form of a question: Where is the mother?

Janey attempts to converse with her parents in the beginning of the movie that ends with her mother leaving the room. The mother’s exit leaves Janey nervously fidgeting as she explains her desire to dance to her father. It is a painful interaction. The father sternly responds, “Negative,” further explaining in military language the dangers of Chicago. He quickly speaks of the need for reconnaissance work to scope out the “enemy territory” of the big city.

The defensive posture of the father is too much for Janey’s dancing request. As the movie unfolds, we are given more insight when Janey’s mother reveals that dancing was part of their past. Hmmm… Mom, we needed your voice in this father-daughter interaction. We needed you to wonder aloud about your daughter’s dancing spirit that might have resurrected something in the family and in your marriage. Like a good wine and cheese combination, we needed the paring of the mother-father voice, not the dominant, isolation of Sergeant Father. But nevertheless we are left with a stern, scared father and an absent, scared mother.

A further look at some of the main characters reveals a gaping “mother” hole which begs many questions and delivers few answers. Jeff Malene, Janey’s dance partner, played by Lee Montgomery, comes from a family where no mom is present and all we know is that she was “there” at one point. “There” meaning, Jeff’s younger sister, Maggie, mentions “missing mom” and that’s all we get, folks. Yep, mom is gone and we, the audience, get nothing more than a morsel of hope that details of the story will follow, but to no avail. Mom’s story is nonexistent and no further explanation is given.

Natalie, played by Holly Gagnier, is a rich-snob in the movie. She sabotages, manipulates, and tugs at our injustice nerves. She seeks to win the Dance TV competition with money, power, and status. Of course, we know nothing about her mother. In her life, we don’t even get a crumb of detail. Neither she nor her father (J.P. Sands) mentions anything about a mother.

So, why is this movie worth seeing?

Because, teenage girls are resilient and exploratory and somehow they attempt to pick up where pieces of their family’s story is left off or broken. For instance, did Janey know her parents used to dance? The energy, creativity and liveliness of Janey and Lynne are contagious and captivating. Their journey to Dance TV is made together.

In a poignant scene, Janey’s father chops off the tree limbs outside Janey’s bedroom window. You see, Janey, has been sneaking out at night to rehearse for Dance TV and her physical avenue for escape are the tree limbs which so conveniently bridges her uncontrollable, exploring soul to the outside world of dance. This girl wants to dance AND she will. However, what the father does not realize is that a girl’s desire to get out is from within. The ability for a girl to be free is from within.

Janey wants more than the prison of her home. With out the tree limbs, she still has her friend Lynne and she has her bedroom window—both represent access to the outside world. With her persistence and Lynne’s ingenuity to drop a rope from the top of the house, the girls make one last effort to secure their spot on Dance TV.

The ending is predictable. Although Janey’s parents are excited when accomplishment is granted (you can guess what happens), the family’s celebration is separate and trivial because they all missed the journey. They did not engage in Janey’s progression.

Somewhere along the way, the parents stopped dancing. The mom stopped speaking and the “family tin man” locked up, needing a few squirts of oil and a heart transplant. Janey unconsciously attempted to grease the locked up joints of the family by pursuing her dream, but she did it in secret because too much family stuff needed to be dealt with to see a daughter dance.

What would it have looked for the mother to have engaged with Janey by driving her to dance rehearsals? (i.e., eliminating the need for what could be seen as bad behavior)
If winning by any means becomes the goal, how does it impede or enhance relationship?
How do girls/women have fun? (i.e., How do we get seen? How do we get heard?)

2008-12-08T15:43:00.000-08:00

Movie: Anywhere But Here (1999)

Opening quote:
My mother made an amazing amount of noise when she ate her food. It was as if she was trying to taste the entire world. Sometimes I just couldn't stand her. Sometimes I hated her. Sometimes I thought she was ruining my life. What kept me going was knowing one day I would leave her.

As a mother fights to let go...a daughter wonders if she can grow up and go away (both psychologically and physically). As a daughter fails to grieve…a mother wonders if she is to blame.

It is a hard space for a mother and a daughter when identities are emerging simultaneously. The movie captures the "emerging identity dance" that occurs as both the mother and daughter try to live into who they are, while “running” from their fears for most of the movie. For instance, the mother moves to Beverly Hills to escape the pain of her real life – constantly conjuring up fantasy stories - while the daughter wrestles with what it means to “leave her mom, well” in order to grow into her desires.

The question of whose independence is valued or important is a consistent theme and interplay. The perception is that the mother's job is to create and define independence for the daughter. However, this is a false perception. As portrayed in the movie, when the daughter begins to act upon what she internally desires (i.e., applying to college at Brown and contacting her dad), she presses both she and her mother into a place where they must grieve various pieces of their lives in order to open up space for something new in their relationship. The daughter’s actions and boldness help bring clarity and freedom.

The movie ends with both the mother and daughter living into more of who they were meant to be. The mother begins working as a speech pathologist – consistent to her background and training - and the daughter goes away to pursue her college education.

The shift in the beginning and the ending quotes highlights the daughter’s realization that conflicting feelings are present in all mother-daughter relationships. Even with the mother's annoying behavior, the daughter states that the world would not be the same without her mother. In fact, it would lose its shape, going from round to flat.

In summary, a mothering void creates a cosmic shift in a daughter's world and a daughter teaches a mother how to love, let go, and live. Their lives intertwine and effect one another.

Ending quote:
“Even if you can’t stand her. Even if you hate her. Even if she’s ruining your life, there’s something about my mother. Some romance. Some power. And when she dies the world will be flat. Too simple. Too fair. Too reasonable.”

At the end of the movie a song begins with the words, “Free to find where I belong." Isn't the "belonging place" where the mother and daughter both wanted to be with each other?

Where did you see the mother’s identity and a daughter’s identity try to emerge?
How did you see the ambivalent feelings of connection and control get played out – in the mother and the daughter?
Where did you notice themes of death? (i.e., death of a dream, death of expectations, and death of fantasy’s?)

2008-11-25T16:52:00.000-08:00

Artist: Evelyn Williams pix title: Meeting 1, 1996

Martha Hopler, MSW, MSN &
Hillary Augustine Vandenbos, MAC, MA
...explore the vast space between mothers and daughters as you peruse our blog entries and think with us about the feminine themes portrayed in movies, media, and art. It is unknown whether these feminine figures represent two women, two girls, or a girl and a woman. Whatever the combination of age or relationship, the meeting of their eyes and the touching of their hands communicates an encounter which is ripe with possibility. The space between the two figures is one of mystery, exploration, and wonder.

What are they thinking about one another?
What do they see in eachother?
What scares them as they noticed their similarity?
Aren't these some of the questions resonating from a mother-daughter relationship?